About

	What is this place?
	Everywhere and nowhere. A place betwixt time, born of hopes and dreams, sustained by the human spirit.
	You’ve lost me.
	That is fine. The specifics are not so important.
	What is important?
	I am not at liberty to say. You must look within yourself for that answer.
	How am I supposed to do that?
	Tell me, who are you?
	Who am I? Uh… I dunno.
	Who are you?
	I really don’t know! Can’t you just give me a straight answer?
	Who do you want to be?
	Well… who can I be?
	In this place, you can be anyone or anything. Whomever or whatever you can dream up, it can be reality.
	I can be anything? That sounds a little scary…
	Listen to your heart. You need not think too deeply about it. You can always change your mind later.
	Okay. Can I be a boy?
	Of course.
	Huh. You really weren’t lying.
	I cannot lie to you.
	Then can you actually tell me about where we are?
	I already answered your query. Did you find my response unsatisfactory?
	Can you just, like, speak in plain English?
	You wish for an explanation in more concrete terms?
	Yeah.
	Very well. This great expanse stretched out before us is called cyberspace. It is a place of endless curiosities, limited only by its inhabitants’ imaginations. Here, the line between dream and reality is blurred. Everything you see here is replete with meaning, yet is inherently meaningless. It is a liminal and transitory space. Some spend their entire lives here. Others just pass through. Some are active participants. Others are mere observers. Some come here to find themselves. Others come to be someone else. There is no correct way to be here.
	Does this explanation satisfy you?
	Um, kinda? You’re saying anything is possible here, and like, that sounds pretty cool but I dunno what I want.
	Start simple. What is the first thing that comes to mind?
	Actually, I was just thinking that maybe I don’t wanna be a boy anymore.
	Certainly.
	Can I just be a velociraptor or something? Just like a lil gremlin darting around, y’know?
	Behold, how mighty you are.
	Hey, alright!
	Does this feel better?
	Actually, it’s kinda hard to type like this. Hmm… I wanna be a fox, but like, kinda hot?
	What a gorgeous coat you have.
	Yeah, this is good. Okay, so, like, I get that anything is possible here or whatever. Cool. But why are we here, exactly?
	In a technical sense, this place was constructed in HTML and CSS. Your browser combed through all of that code and rendered what you see before you.
	Okay, so, I dunno what any of that means.
	It means some complex networking systems, basic code, and software have made it possible for us to exist in this space.
	Can we exist outside of this space?
	An interesting query. That is up to each individual; whether or not they choose to carry their persona beyond the borders of cyberspace.
	Why wouldn’t they?
	There are many reasons. Fear and safety are chief among them.
	Oh, I see. Yeah, maybe some people wouldn’t really like a talking fox.
	If I may offer some unsolicited advice?
	What?
	There will always be those who disapprove of your choices. They are not important. You should follow your own path.
	Then…
	Yes?
	I wanted to say this earlier, but I guess I was a little nervous. Or scared, or something. I don’t want to be fox, I just want to be a girl.
	All things are possible here.
	Oh my god, I feel so much better.
	Your beauty—it is simply beyond words.
	Okay. So we’ve talked a lot about me and this place and stuff, but who are you? You’re just, what, some ambiguous all-knowing voice?
	I must admit, you have caught me completely off-guard. I cannot say who I am.
	But, like, if you were to say who you are…
	You misunderstand. I am not able to say because I do not know.
	Ha! Well, here you can be anything-
	No, that is not what I mean. It is not for me to decide who or what I am.
	Uh… so who can decide?
	You.
	Me?
	Indeed.
	Why me?
	It appears you still have not grasped the current state we find ourselves in. You dictate reality here. You are judge. You are jury. You are executioner. You are God. You wanted to be a boy and you were. You wanted to be a girl and you are. Can you not see? This place called cyberspace—it is yours. Everything before you is of your own creation. I am you. You are me. You are the stars in the background and the empty space surrounding them. You are the words floating in space. You are the code that makes this possible. You are anything and everything.
	Wow. I’m still not sure I totally understand, but that was beautiful.
	You understand enough. You have the answers you seek, even if you are not yet aware of them.
	I… thank you.
	> User has joined channel.
	?
	sup
	Um, hi.
	wat r u supposed to be
	Be careful.
	Haha, I’m still kinda figuring that out, I guess! How’s it going?
	lol
	What?
	it can speak
	I… what?
	Deep breaths.
	im eatin burger
	Ooh, that sounds good. I’m kinda hungry, actually. Think I might order some Chinese?
	chy-na
	Yeah… What should I get? Sesame chicken or fried rice?
	shh
	Haha, is something going on?
	shhhh
	I think I’ll go with the chicken. This place always gets it super crispy.
	i said shut uppppp
	. . .
	I mean… why’d you come in here if you didn’t want to chat?
	where u get that haircut from, ur grandma lmao
	I like it…
	u think ur a pretty girl huh
	Hey, uh, what’s this guy’s deal? How’d he even get in here?
	stupid idiot talkin to himself lol so pathetic
	. . .
	Oh haha, I’m a girl, actually.
	lol ur not a girl
	But-
	freak
	> User has left channel.
	Hey… are you there?
	. . .
	Where’d you go?
	. . .
	This was stupid, anyway…
	I came here because I wanted to get away from everything, but I guess that was a dumb idea. No matter where I go, it’s always the same. Different place, new faces, but same problems. I try my best but I just can’t ever get ahead. I’m so tired of fighting to stay afloat.
	I want to feel safe, just for a night. Constantly looking over my shoulder is exhausting. I can’t take it!
	I wish Jones was here.
	> User has joined channel.
	Meow?
	Jones! Girl, I’ve missed you!
	Meow.
	I’ve been better. I’m just frustrated. I feel stuck, like I’m on a treadmill. I’m running, but I’m not getting anywhere.
	purrs
	Everything feels like it’s gotten so out of control. I’ve got all these things in my life, all these responsibilities, and I feel like I’m barely holding on. I don’t think anyone can tell I’m slipping, but they will soon because I can’t keep this up. There’s no way. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. And I’m terrified of what’s gonna happen when I finally break.
	So stop.
	Oh, you’re back! I could’ve used you back there.
	They would not listen to me. I had to step away.
	Er, alright. Anyway, I can’t just drop everything. That’s not how it works.
	Are you certain?
	…yes?
	You are not a good listener.
	Look, now’s really not the time-
	Yes, it is. Now is the perfect time to start anew. Your current situation is not suitable for you. So, what will you do about it?
	Don’t you think I would’ve done something about it already if I could?
	Yes, I do believe you would have risen to action if you thought you had the power to do so. The trouble is, you do not believe you have the power to do so.
	Well, yeah. I don’t. I have friends, family, a boss…
	snore
	A cat, too.
	What exactly is preventing you from doing something?
	I just said! I have relationships, responsibilities, bills to p-
	Everyone has these things. And yet, there are those that shape their lives in a way that honors themselves. So, what is stopping you? It is not these things you have listed.
	Yeah, but like, those people are way stronger than me. They’re, y’know, special or something. I’m not like them. I can’t do what they do.
	Again, I will ask you: What is stopping you?
	. . .
	Meow?
	I don’t know. I don’t really have an answer. Nothing, I guess.
	This life is not suitable for you. You know this. And now you state nothing is truly in the way to stop you from enacting a change. Yet you still hesitate. Why?
	I’m… scared, I guess.
	Fear is part of it.
	Does it get easier?
	Yes. However, you must be willing to take that leap of faith. Everyone must at some point, or at least those that wish to survive. I will not mislead you; there will be more individuals like those from earlier. Many of them will be more aggressive. This does not mean you should be swayed.
	What if I just try to be happy as I am?
	You are welcome to try. But have you not been attempting this your entire life?
	Yeah.
	Look at how that has resulted. I told you earlier that you have the answers you seek. You know the truth. Accept it and claim a life befitting of you, for it is your birthright.
	Okay, but my life isn’t in cyberspace. I can’t just create things and shape the environment at will. Maybe I can choose to live as myself, but I don’t have control over the world. The world is a scary place sometimes.
	Correct. The world is faulty in many respects. This is no reason to deny yourself truth.
	But how am I supposed to live comfortably in a world that I don’t feel safe in?
	The world is a big place. It has room for you and everyone else with plenty to spare. It might protest, but it can support you. At first, it will be uncomfortable and this is unfortunate. However, in time these growing pains will fade and you will begin to wonder how you ever lived any differently.
	How can you be so sure? Have you seen the way people look at me? That guy called me a freak.
	We promise ourselves the world, because the world told us we deserve nothing.
	. . .
	Meow!
	Yeah, Jones. I’m okay. Or at least, I will be.
	Okay, I trust you. None of this is working for me and it’s time I change that. Where do I start?
	First of all, is this what you truly wish to be? An empty field under a blue sky? Of course, if it is, this is perfectly acceptable. It is a gorgeous field; one that feels strangely familiar and inviting. But I believe you may wish to be something else.
	Yeah, you’re right. Hold on.
	That’s better. I feel more like myself already!
	Absolutely captivating. A brilliant radiance emanates from you when you finally let your colors fly.
	hehe
	What’s next?
	You know.
	Huh, you’re right. It’s time I stop running.
	I am so proud of you.
	Meow!
	Here I go!
	> User has left channel.

This is catloaf & coffee: a place of discovery, exploration, and experimentation. A quiet corner of the Internet tucked away from all the incessant bickering and endless doomscrolling. Somewhere in which I found myself; where I can grow and learn about myself. An escape. A sanctuary.

Or, putting the pompousness aside: catloaf & coffee is a late-twenty-something Autistic transfem’s blog. It was here that I processed the first year following my Autism diagnosis, and it is here that I process my transition. The writing I do here is varied, both in tone and format. Sometimes it is happy, other times (often) it is melancholic, or even sarcastic. Maybe it assumes the form of a poem, a diary entry, or pseudo-narrative feature. There are no rules here. I am not even claiming any of it is good! All that is important is that my words have a space to exist.

So here they reside, on this website I threw together with duct tape and a prayer. It is messy, but so is the experience of living as an Autistic trans girl. After failing to find my place in a world that doesn’t care to make room for people like me, I decided to create my own space. Here, I am enough.

I write with no audience in mind; only for my own fulfillment. However, if you choose to read a post or two, I hope you get something out of it. And feel free to say hello! I can be reached at the email found at the bottom of every page on this site.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sage she/they